At a dinner party or convivium, Romans, like the Greeks, reclined on divans, drank watered wine, ate delicacies, and passed the evening. What kind of evening depended upon how much water the host added to the wine -- quite a bit and good conversation was expected; just a bit and debauchery ensued. Getting an invitation to such a party often required persistence and skill. The first century Roman poet Marcus Valerius Martialis (known in English as Martial) expresses frustration at the invitation-leeches who frequented bath houses to waylaid potential hosts:
For hours, for a whole day, he'll sit
On the public lavatory seat,
Not because he needs a shit.
He wants to be asked out to eat.
--Satire XI, 77
Guests ate with their fingers and brought their own napkins, often of excellent quality. The theft of these napkins by unscrupulous diners prompted complaints:
While everyone else is laughing & drinking
you extend
a surreptitious claw,
Asinius,
towards the table napkins
of the negligent ...
an unattractive habit
you misguidedly think funny.
--Catullus 12
Keep your eyes on his right hand, pinion his left,
and he'll still bring off a theft.
...
[He] never brings a napkin when he's asked to dine
but he always takes one home -- yours or mine.
--- Martial, Satire XII, 8
Invitations to these dinner parties, especially when offered by the politically and socially elite, conferred status and honor, and in the case of young poets hungry for food and love, opportunity for gratification. But as Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid) in Amores I.4 shows, frustration instead of gratification was just as likely:
Your husband? Going to the same dinner as us?
I hope it chokes him.
So I'm only to gaze at you, darling? Play gooseberry
while another man enjoys your touch?
You'll lie there snuggling up to him? He'll put his arm
round your neck whenever he wants?
No wonder Centarus fought over Hippodamia
when the wedding wine began to flow.
I don't live in the forest nor am I part horse
but I find it hard to keep my hands off you.
However here's my plan. Listen carefully.
Don't throw my words of wisdom to the winds.
Arrive before him -- not that I see what good
arriving first will do but arrive first all the same.
When he takes his place on the couch and you go to join him
looking angelic, secretly touch my foot.
Watch me for nods and looks that talk
and unobserved return my signals
in the language of eyebrows and fingers
with annotations in wine.
Whenever you think of our love-making
stroke that rosy cheek with your thumb.
If you're cross with me, darling,
press the lobe of your ear
but turn your ring round if you're pleased
with anything I say or do.
When you feel like cursing your fool of a husband
touch the table as if you were praying.
If he mixes you a drink, beware -- tell him to drink it himself,
then quietly ask the waiter for what you want.
I'll intercept the glass as you hand it back
and drink from the side you drank from.
Refuse all food he has tasted first --
it has touched his lips.
Don't lean your gentle head against his shoulder
and don't let him embrace you
or slide a hand inside your dress
or touch your breasts. Above all don't kiss him.
If you do I'll cause a public scandal,
grab you and claim possession.
I'm bound to see all this. It's what I shan't see
that worries me -- the goings on under your cloak.
Don't press your thigh or your leg against his
or touch his coarse feet with your toes.
I know all the tricks. That's why I'm worried.
I hate to think of him doing what I've done.
We've often made love under your cloak, sweetheart,
in a glorious race against time.
You won't do that, I know. Still,
to avoid all doubt don't wear one.
Encourage him to drink but mind -- no kisses.
Keep filling his glass when he's not looking.
If the wine's too much for him and he drops off
we can take our cue from what's going on around us.
When you get up to leave and we all follow,
move to the middle of the crowd.
You'll find me there -- or I'll find you
so touch me anywhere you can.
But what's the good? I'm only temporizing.
Tonight decrees our separation.
Tonight he'll lock you in and leave me
desolated at your door.
Then he'll kiss you, then go further,
forcing his right to our secret joy.
But you can show him you're acting under duress.
Be mean with your love -- give grudgingly -- in silence.
He won't enjoy it if my prayers are answered.
And if they're not, at least assure me you won't.
But whatever happens tonight tell me tomorrow
you didn't sleep with him -- and stick to that story.